Friends

As someone (thank you Mrs. Wibbs!) so kindly reminded me, a post on here is long overdue.

Today I have spent a lovely morning with an old friend. I have quite a few friends (yes - really!!) but there is something very special indeed about Carolyn. We don't see each other very often despite living in close proximity. Carolyn has been my friend for 14 years and in the last year I have seen her only once. We have the sort of friendship that doesn't mind if we don't see each other for ages...when we do get together its wonderful.

I love just sitting and being with Carolyn. She oozes God's grace and wisdom. I love talking with her and learning from her. When I sit with Carolyn, I feel as though I am in God's presence. She is the wisest woman I know...truly gracious and incredibly gentle and patient. We've been through a lot together and I always am reminded of just how far God has brought me when we get together.

So..to you all, I pray that you will have a "carolyn" in your life. Someone who teaches you more about God (despite your age), someone who is wise and gracious, someone who never reminds you of your failings but always encourages you.

Lets start at the very beginning.......its a very good place to start.

I guess I had an ominous start to life, being born on Friday 13th August 1976. A year to the day since my brother was born. My brother who died before I had a chance to know him. We share the same birthday. Maybe that's why my parents never saw fit to celebrate my birthday, why we always had to be away on that date. There was never much to celebrate for them, I understand that in a way. And yet I have grown up always thinking that I wasn't the child they wanted. They wanted the one they had lost and without a doubt if they still had him, I wouldn't be here today. Maybe that's where my lack of self-esteem stems from? I've never been able to relate to either of my parents and they seem to have been completely unable to talk to me for the most part of my life.

to be continued...............

Failure

It just goes to show how fickle I really am. Yesterday I was planning on writing a piece about attitude, about choosing to rise above your feelings. Today I just can't seem to do what I was so keen to preach yesterday.

I've always been fiercely independent, not needing anyone or anything. For me, trusting God was huge weight of my shoulders. It said that I don't need to be independent anymore, I don't need to take everything on my own, I don't need to do it on my own, I'm not on my own. Learning to listen to His voice, to hear Him speak truth into my life, was a fresh of breath air. So now, its me and God. Apart from God, I don't need anyone, I don't need any help, I don't need to ask for anything, I am fine and all is good. Asking for help is just something that I don't do. So having asked for prayer yesterday (in a very roundabout fashion), I have sunk into a feeling of failure. I've failed because I have had to ask for help.

I can't explain to you how it makes me feel to show signs of weakness. I even tried making a joke of it, but it doesn't change anything. I'm not even sure how I got myself into this. I know God challenged me to share things, but maybe I've not done it in the right way? Was there anything so wrong about where I was at before all this? I kind of feel thats where I want to go back to. Just being anonymous. And yet I can't escape it. Its like a switch has been turned on and I just can't help seeing things that God wants to deal with. Even in my sleep I can't escape it. ok God you're driving me a little crazy now!!

Sometimes I want to run and hide from God. Sometimes I can't be bothered to run anymore. I do feel as though I can't hide anymore and yet I don't really want to have to ask for help. Perhaps its just time to face up to things and really allow God to do his stuff.

Last night at church we were singing the song "Oh Happy Day" and it made me realise afresh how God has truly wiped the slate clean. And yet its as though I still live in that dark place. Maybe I'll just go ahead and bring those things into the open so that God's light can shine on them, so that I am no longer living in that place. I'm sure it's the right time, but where to start?

Attitude

I was going to write a piece on attitude, but as I started to write, I thought "I can't be bothered". It says it all doesn't it???

Maybe I really will write a piece on attitude tomorrow. We'll see.

Christian Glitter by www.christianglitter.com

Valentines Day

So here we are on Valentine's day. When I think how many years I longed for a valentine's card and never received one....and now I am an old married woman and really, it doesn't matter. Yes, I like it when Chris brings me flowers and cards, when he spoils me and shows me how much he loves me, but valentine's itself doesn't have the same impact. Why? Because I KNOW I am loved. I know everyday and I no longer need to look to valentine's to see if someone loves me. I am loved always. Chris loves me of that I am sure. God loves me with an everlasting love. A love that sustains. A love that is faithful. What does it mean to love? Well for that we have to look to the old well-used bible passge, a favourite for use in weddings. It is found in 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 verses 4-7

"Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

It challenges me about my relationships. How does my love compare to these standards? When I'm tired and demanding, or think..."I can't be bothered"...does that echo Christ's love to Chris, to my children, to my friends? to strangers?? Of course we can never compare to Christ's perfect love, but it is a good standard to aim for. I am reminded this Valentine's day that I should strive to love in an unselfish and undemanding way.

I often have moments of thinking I'm unlovable, or unlovely and yet I AM loved. And contrary to popular belief; its ok to love yourself too. That's something I definately need to work on. I have to say that 99% of the time, I don't love myself. I don't think I'm lovely. I KNOW that God loves me just because he does, but sometimes its hard to understand. I was talking to a friend this morning who was saying that she had bought herself a valentine's gift, because she loved herself so much (You know who you are!!!). I'm sure that it was tongue in cheek but it did make me stop and think. Do I love myself? I don't mean in a narcissistic way, but do I recognise that I am loveable, do I recognise in myself, my Creator's unique design? Eeek, thats something I need to work on. I think the reality is that I don't love myself in a healthy way. I struggle to recognise in myself any good points. I can talk and chat and have fun with people. I can appear strong and in control, but I don't like to talk about myself (ok...well maybe except on this blog) because when I stop and think; I don't like what I see.

Early Start

well, I suppose that 5.30 isn't quite as bad as 3.30 but its still way too early to be up. This not sleeping well is so not funny. That's about all I can say this morning. My brain is dull from lack of sleep.

Its All In The Eyes

For as long as I can remember I've found eye contact to be uncomfortable, disconcerting and something to shy away from. I find it hard to look people in the eyes. If you look into my eyes, if I let you have eye contact with me, it feels like you are penetrating my soul. I know folk who love making eye contact, who need to make eye contact. I long to talk to you, I long to share some of myself, my real self. I long to be able to sit with you, share my everything and for you to tell me that you know me, and that you still think I'm ok. But please don't look me in the eyes. Seriously. Don't go there. I can't bear to see what may be reflected in your eyes.

Even if I sit with you, as I share with you, and make fun, you must know that I don't really share myself with you. You must see it in me, that I am not what I'd like you to think I am. How can I share who I am, the things I have done without you looking at me in disgust? How can I go there? I can spend my days making light, being free with my words and telling you that everything is fine, that things are amazing. I wish I could find the words to say. To let you know that the words that come out of my mouth are not the reflections of my heart. Do you even know my heart? Do you even care???

When I was a young child I had an imaginary friend. His name was "grey". I say that he was an imaginary friend, but actually he scared me. He was a scary figure that hid behind trees and lived in the big derelict house at the end of our road. My family used to always go on about this imaginary friend, about how he was my only friend and how I would always talk to him. Personally I never ever remember talking to him, just believing that he existed and that he was to be avoided. Now that I'm an adult, I have real friends. But the feeling remains. I know you are there somewhere, but you are to be avoided, you are scary. And yet I long to be proved wrong, to be able to comunicate with you and share with you. To tell you that things really aren't alright, that I am broken into a million pieces. Shattered.

Insomnia

My posts seem to be more serious and even surreal in parts at the moment. I think when I started writing the blog, it was a kind of joky thing and it was fun. Now I realise the therapeutic benefits and I whilst I was careful at first what to put in the public domain, I am at a point where I really don't care. So what if you don't like what you read? So what, if it changed what you think of me. I just want to make my thoughts/feelings known and if people don't like it then they don't have to read it I guess. I simply don't really give a damn.

Its 3am and whilst most "normal" people would be tucked up in bed sleeping, I'm here at my computer. Having been tossing and turning since 1am I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to get up and do something otherwise I'd drive myself insane with trying to get to sleep when its clear that my brain doesn't want to go there right now. Its weird because its so long since I had problems sleeping that I had thought I was over it. So why does it come back? I woke up having had a horrible dream about drowning. Seriously. I was on a ship and it was sinking, eventually I managed to get off the boat and ended up in a speedboat of some description, only for that second boat to flip over and drown me. How nice. I suspect that most people would find it hard to get back to sleep after that. Sometimes I do wonder about our dreams and what they say about us. In my experience God has often come to me in dreams and spoken to me or shown me stuff. Somehow I don't think this one is from God!! Clearly somewhere in my head I want to drown myself!!! No, only joking, but I can see why when I slept my mind went there.

There are times in my life when it does feel like I'm sinking fast. Totally overwhelmed by life itself, it feels like the ship is going down with me on it. Fortunately I know that throughout everything God remains steadfast and when I am weak, He is strong. I also know that I don't need to be in control....God does. Just as well because I'm having one of those moments when I feel totally out of control. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? I'm sure it wasn't anything like mine. As I woke up my first thought was that I want to smash things up!!! I woke up from my dream with this calm, suppressed anger that made me think I wanted to break things. Not in a vicious or violent way but in a controlled and methodical way; my logic being that by destroying other things it'll make me feel better. I am certifiably crazy.

How can one go from sitting in bed reading the bible, falling asleep to waking up angry, so angry that you want to break things?????? On the journey that I'm taking with God, He is taking me places I thought I would never go back to. Pealing back the layers and bringing up emotions and feelings that I've not felt in a long time. So anger has crossed my path. I feel like I want to go and stand on a hilltop and shout out my anger to the world. Seeing as its 3am, cold and i'm in my pyjamas I think I'll take the 21st century option and shout my anger out into cyberspace instead.

I'M ANGRY, GOD, I AM ANGRY!!! I'm angry with YOU GOD. Are we even allowed to feel angry with God???? I'm angry that I had to walk the path that I did. I didn't choose it, you chose it for me. As I got older I certainly made choices that were my own, but when I was a child, I didn't choose the life I had. Why did you allow it? Why do you let things happen? You are the Almighty God, the giver of life, the creator of all things. Nothing is beyond you and yet it feels like you left me when I was most vulnerable. You left me to suffer and to be shamed. Before you even created me you knew what my life would be like, you knew the way that things would go and yet you didn't do anything about it. Where were you? Yesterday I had such a wonderful time with you God, I walked with you, I felt you close to me, I loved worshipping you at church, but today I am so angry with you, I could burst. Part of me wants to reject you like it felt you rejected me. Was I not good enough? Did I not match up to the rest of creation? Did I deserve it? Was it a punishment? Tell me God, I need to know.

Going on a Journey

I'm going on a journey. I don't know how long it will take, and I don't know the route; but I am going on a journey. I don't need to take many resources because I am relying on God to give me everything that I need. I'm packing my bible and I'm setting off now.

Its incredible to think that you would start out on a journey and not know what route you are going to take, but that's what it is like when we are walking with God. Sometimes it's easy to think that we are in control and then "zap" God comes and shows you without a doubt that he is at the steering wheel. Take this week for instance, God has come and zapped me without a doubt and turned the steering wheel into a direction I'm not sure I want to go. And yet, having surrendered all, I have no choice but to be go with Him. I don't know what the route will be like, there will no doubt be bumps and turns, and sharp bends, a few inclines and maybe some steep downhills, but I know that with determination I will reach my destination.

I know that God won't speed. He will take things at the correct pace and He won't steer off the road. Difficult journey as it may well be, I AM trusting in God to get me to the place I need to be. I AM rejoicing because he has chosen me to take the journey with Him.

Cryptic....maybe. But God knows!!

Tagged!

Eeek, 2 posts in one day. Must be a record for me. Having already posted, I have been tagged by Mrs. Wibbs

A- Available or married? Definately married.
B- Best Friend? Jesus of course.Followed closely by the lovely Chris that is my husband. I also have many good friends, but it takes me a while to really develop close friends. Mrs. Wibbz of course...love ya!
C- Cake or Pie? Cake first, then pie straight after.
D- Drink of Choice? Tea but I do like coca cola too (not that i get it very often)
E- Essential Item? Keys - having locked myself out of the house once too often I never go anywhere without them now.
F- Favorite Colour? Has to be blue.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Gummi Bears. Love biting their heads off.
H- Hometown? Reading, Berkshire
I- Indulgence? Chocolate
J-January or February? February, its school holidays which I love more and more each time they come around. Also Mum's birthday and mustn't forget pancake day!
K- Kids & names? Two boys one girl: David, Hannah, Matthew
L- Life is incomplete without? Sleep
M-Marriage Date? June 2nd 2001
N- Number of Siblings? Hmmmmmmmm so complicated. 1 younger brother, 1 older brother, 2 older sisters, 1 half-sister, 1 half-brother and 1 half-sister who is now safe with God.
O- Oranges or apples? Apples - hate getting my fingers sticky with organges. Bleughh.
P- Phobias/Fears? That my children will reject Jesus
Q-Favourite Quote? "che sera sera" anon....whatever will be, will be. I guess it about sums up my attitude. I don't get very bothered about things.
R- Reason to Smile? I just had some of Hannah's shortbread straight from the oven. Yummy!!
S- Season? Summer. Its my birthday, its school holidays, its time for christian camps, bbqs, walks, beaches. Everything I love.
T- Tag three people! Ummmmmmmmm would if I could
U- Unknown fact about me: i'm secretly Roman Catholic....its true!
V- Very cold sitting here
W- Worst habit? criticising others
X-X-treme, X-cessive, X-ceedingly good: again it can only describe the shortbread Hannah just made and I have been eating with her. MMMMmmmmmmmmmmm.
Y- Your favourite food? fajhitas or crispy duck
Z- is for zebras. Hmmm I don't like stripes very much.

The ww.church

The biggest problem that I have with church is that I don't get enough of it. Strange as it may seem!! Having 3 young children can make it difficult to get to sit through a sermon or spend time getting to know people at the end of the service. I help out with the children's work twice a month so this cuts down on the amount of time I can get to listen to a sermon. The thing with me is that I find it so easy to complain about things, but I have come to the conclusion that I get out of church what I put into it. What is it that I want from church? What is church to me? What are my expectations? What should church be?. I was thinking about this after chatting to a friend on the subject yesterday. Thanks Mrs. Wibbs !

Mums of young children know that time is always rushed, time to sit and be in God's presence, time to pray, time to worship can be crowded out from our daily lives if we allow it. I've been trying to find new ways of learning, growing, worshipping that fit in with my life and my circumstances and I've come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes to my lifestyle to allow time for the things that are important. If I don't want to grow stale in my relationship with God, then I need to do something about it. My passion is reading (oh ok and the t.v.!!) and if I'm honest then I spend too much time reading fiction and not enough on reading my bible. I have a list of jobs that I want to get done each day and usually by the end of the day I am too tired to read anything more intellectual than a trashy novel. Recently however things have changed. Why? I have discovered that there are so many excellent churches out there that have their sermons on-line. Just this morning I have spent a wonderful hour making delicious shortbread with my 3 year old daughter whilst listening to a fantastic sermon on the book of Peter, all about knowing your identity. The t.v. is being switched off more and more as hubby and I spend time listening to sermons together, challenging each other and having passionate discussions about the bible.

It may not be church in the traditional sense, but while I do need to be at home for long periods of time with babies and toddlers, I can use that time to become more grounded in the bible. Its also teaching my little ones a valuable lesson about taking responsibility for your own learning.

Sorry for such a long winded ramble this morning. I'm off to do some washing and listen to my next sermon.