Its All In The Eyes

For as long as I can remember I've found eye contact to be uncomfortable, disconcerting and something to shy away from. I find it hard to look people in the eyes. If you look into my eyes, if I let you have eye contact with me, it feels like you are penetrating my soul. I know folk who love making eye contact, who need to make eye contact. I long to talk to you, I long to share some of myself, my real self. I long to be able to sit with you, share my everything and for you to tell me that you know me, and that you still think I'm ok. But please don't look me in the eyes. Seriously. Don't go there. I can't bear to see what may be reflected in your eyes.

Even if I sit with you, as I share with you, and make fun, you must know that I don't really share myself with you. You must see it in me, that I am not what I'd like you to think I am. How can I share who I am, the things I have done without you looking at me in disgust? How can I go there? I can spend my days making light, being free with my words and telling you that everything is fine, that things are amazing. I wish I could find the words to say. To let you know that the words that come out of my mouth are not the reflections of my heart. Do you even know my heart? Do you even care???

When I was a young child I had an imaginary friend. His name was "grey". I say that he was an imaginary friend, but actually he scared me. He was a scary figure that hid behind trees and lived in the big derelict house at the end of our road. My family used to always go on about this imaginary friend, about how he was my only friend and how I would always talk to him. Personally I never ever remember talking to him, just believing that he existed and that he was to be avoided. Now that I'm an adult, I have real friends. But the feeling remains. I know you are there somewhere, but you are to be avoided, you are scary. And yet I long to be proved wrong, to be able to comunicate with you and share with you. To tell you that things really aren't alright, that I am broken into a million pieces. Shattered.