Insomnia

My posts seem to be more serious and even surreal in parts at the moment. I think when I started writing the blog, it was a kind of joky thing and it was fun. Now I realise the therapeutic benefits and I whilst I was careful at first what to put in the public domain, I am at a point where I really don't care. So what if you don't like what you read? So what, if it changed what you think of me. I just want to make my thoughts/feelings known and if people don't like it then they don't have to read it I guess. I simply don't really give a damn.

Its 3am and whilst most "normal" people would be tucked up in bed sleeping, I'm here at my computer. Having been tossing and turning since 1am I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to get up and do something otherwise I'd drive myself insane with trying to get to sleep when its clear that my brain doesn't want to go there right now. Its weird because its so long since I had problems sleeping that I had thought I was over it. So why does it come back? I woke up having had a horrible dream about drowning. Seriously. I was on a ship and it was sinking, eventually I managed to get off the boat and ended up in a speedboat of some description, only for that second boat to flip over and drown me. How nice. I suspect that most people would find it hard to get back to sleep after that. Sometimes I do wonder about our dreams and what they say about us. In my experience God has often come to me in dreams and spoken to me or shown me stuff. Somehow I don't think this one is from God!! Clearly somewhere in my head I want to drown myself!!! No, only joking, but I can see why when I slept my mind went there.

There are times in my life when it does feel like I'm sinking fast. Totally overwhelmed by life itself, it feels like the ship is going down with me on it. Fortunately I know that throughout everything God remains steadfast and when I am weak, He is strong. I also know that I don't need to be in control....God does. Just as well because I'm having one of those moments when I feel totally out of control. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? I'm sure it wasn't anything like mine. As I woke up my first thought was that I want to smash things up!!! I woke up from my dream with this calm, suppressed anger that made me think I wanted to break things. Not in a vicious or violent way but in a controlled and methodical way; my logic being that by destroying other things it'll make me feel better. I am certifiably crazy.

How can one go from sitting in bed reading the bible, falling asleep to waking up angry, so angry that you want to break things?????? On the journey that I'm taking with God, He is taking me places I thought I would never go back to. Pealing back the layers and bringing up emotions and feelings that I've not felt in a long time. So anger has crossed my path. I feel like I want to go and stand on a hilltop and shout out my anger to the world. Seeing as its 3am, cold and i'm in my pyjamas I think I'll take the 21st century option and shout my anger out into cyberspace instead.

I'M ANGRY, GOD, I AM ANGRY!!! I'm angry with YOU GOD. Are we even allowed to feel angry with God???? I'm angry that I had to walk the path that I did. I didn't choose it, you chose it for me. As I got older I certainly made choices that were my own, but when I was a child, I didn't choose the life I had. Why did you allow it? Why do you let things happen? You are the Almighty God, the giver of life, the creator of all things. Nothing is beyond you and yet it feels like you left me when I was most vulnerable. You left me to suffer and to be shamed. Before you even created me you knew what my life would be like, you knew the way that things would go and yet you didn't do anything about it. Where were you? Yesterday I had such a wonderful time with you God, I walked with you, I felt you close to me, I loved worshipping you at church, but today I am so angry with you, I could burst. Part of me wants to reject you like it felt you rejected me. Was I not good enough? Did I not match up to the rest of creation? Did I deserve it? Was it a punishment? Tell me God, I need to know.