Failure

It just goes to show how fickle I really am. Yesterday I was planning on writing a piece about attitude, about choosing to rise above your feelings. Today I just can't seem to do what I was so keen to preach yesterday.

I've always been fiercely independent, not needing anyone or anything. For me, trusting God was huge weight of my shoulders. It said that I don't need to be independent anymore, I don't need to take everything on my own, I don't need to do it on my own, I'm not on my own. Learning to listen to His voice, to hear Him speak truth into my life, was a fresh of breath air. So now, its me and God. Apart from God, I don't need anyone, I don't need any help, I don't need to ask for anything, I am fine and all is good. Asking for help is just something that I don't do. So having asked for prayer yesterday (in a very roundabout fashion), I have sunk into a feeling of failure. I've failed because I have had to ask for help.

I can't explain to you how it makes me feel to show signs of weakness. I even tried making a joke of it, but it doesn't change anything. I'm not even sure how I got myself into this. I know God challenged me to share things, but maybe I've not done it in the right way? Was there anything so wrong about where I was at before all this? I kind of feel thats where I want to go back to. Just being anonymous. And yet I can't escape it. Its like a switch has been turned on and I just can't help seeing things that God wants to deal with. Even in my sleep I can't escape it. ok God you're driving me a little crazy now!!

Sometimes I want to run and hide from God. Sometimes I can't be bothered to run anymore. I do feel as though I can't hide anymore and yet I don't really want to have to ask for help. Perhaps its just time to face up to things and really allow God to do his stuff.

Last night at church we were singing the song "Oh Happy Day" and it made me realise afresh how God has truly wiped the slate clean. And yet its as though I still live in that dark place. Maybe I'll just go ahead and bring those things into the open so that God's light can shine on them, so that I am no longer living in that place. I'm sure it's the right time, but where to start?